winter sunglasses, 2005
How time flies. Only 18 years ago I was holding my baby cousin and buying presents for him every Christmas. Now, he has no interest in me which doesn’t surprise me.
There was a time when I wanted children but that period has passed. I’m glad of my firm choices and views that I was not able to have children for many reasons, and it didn’t matter if I was feeling ‘broody,’ I’d have to deal with that loss that year. The year was 2012 and it only seems like yesterday.
I don’t know how I knew I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. It was something I realised very young and when I could see others around me who didn’t care about life planning a child I’d get upset. It was because of a childhood where I was acutely aware of absent parents, or parents who did not care.
I’ve been bonding with my nephew by feeding him and playing with him when I can. I find it incredible how quickly he’s growing.
The picture above was taken when I wasn’t well with depression in 2005. I feel very similar right now. It’s when I take a lot of time out to sleep and recover from my mind and what it does to me, so I haven’t been wearing make up and my focus has been on rest. It’s been working so far.
I’ve been singing and recording my voice and listening to music today. I’ve been reading out or singing the Manic’s poetry and I’ve titled them ‘neon loneliness.’
Staying on the topic of time: what has changed in the last 10 years? My mind has. I’m less confused and dissociated and more grounded with every day life. It means I live a less ‘hectic’ life than I did and I proceed with caution. What hasn’t changed are my social circumstances. I am vulnerable and I know this every day.
What do I focus on? The small things in life that matter. My cat, my bed and eating as healthily as I can. I’ve lost my appetite and have been missing meals again.
I’ve found an old friend again and just knowing he’s around makes me feel a lot better. I hope to meet him soon as we only ‘went out’ on the internet…